This letter was actually supposed to be sent a decade ago, tried all these past years but couldn’t live with the guilt of possibly spoiling the family’s “Profile.” Lately I’ve been dodging your phone calls simply because I have reached my lie limit, actually exceeded it. Lying, not only to you but most to myself and now sitting here all by myself inside these high scary, empty walls on detention for kissing my boyfriend goodbye. I’m extremely concerned about how this will sink into your head. After a decade of living a lie, resulting in being weak for enduring all the pain and nightmares coming with it, drained out by the choice I made for your sake (my safety) till today, you would always tell, rule, choose, talk and think for me- early last year, you pushed me choosing my wedding date! But that was an instruction I followed, you never considered asking if I even wanted that. Should I buy the “allowance” to also free my opinions and express myself? Everything is always decided for me, leaving me with no choice but to go on with it (as I was taught to respect at all times by you.)
I respect and am thankful for having you in my life, but you’ve been making me live the life you want and do, say and act according to you. Do I really deserve to be stuck in your vision? What about my vision? Almost all our conversations required a simple yes or no answer from me, you never wanted to hear my thoughts, what were you scared of? Certainly you knew and know exactly what you’re dealing with and dodging to face. As I’m locked in this room, punished for an innocent goodbye, at least now I’m free from being ruled and instructed by you. Well, I have gained the courage to explore, be myself. The harm from allowing myself to be exploited and lying to myself has caused deep scars in my heart, but when you receive this letter half of them will disappear.
I did not make a mistake, the reason I’m on detention is because we were apparently saying our goodbyes in a “Non-Gay people” park; our deeds were considered as offensive to the public. It’s no surprise that I’m gay to you all, the only surprise is that I’ve finally got courage to express, stand up for myself and break out of the shell. I could be a disappointment to you after everyone was hyped-up about me being a father, which I did for you (one of the instructions I followed.) Honestly, I never loved “her” (the mother of my child) I only appreciated how she perceived things in life and obviously, her fierce sense of fashion. I was blinded by all the girls who ogled me, never attracted to them, but to the attention. I’ve been empty all these past years, living a lie, but today I see the light, the future, not only because I’ve found the courage to be myself and the love of my life (him) but because I feel revamped, whole. I’m happy I got the courage to break out of the shell, now I will live effortlessly not following any of your instructions. I’ve never been this happy, it feels like I’ve finally put on the right shoe size, everything fits together now.
I had no idea how to show my true being because I had no chance to tell you these past years. I’m deeply sorry for all the lies I did and said, I pray you find it in your hearts to forgive me. I suppose I got used to making you happy, not myself. As I’m coming home this summer, can I bring my boyfriend over? I want you to meet him. After a decade, ten awful, sad and traumatic years of my life, not wasted because I believe everything happens for a reason, I finally can be myself. Sincerely I’m GAY.
Njabulo Mbutho came to terms with his sexuality at a very young age regardless of the negativity and discrimination in the society he grew up in - Kwazulu Natal, in a rural area called Mthwalume (South Africa). He is a Freelance Writer, Blogger and Fashion enthusiast. This piece has previously been published here: www.the01storyofusblog.wordpress.com
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